Sometimes it occurs to me that no matter how proud I am, I do need help parenting. Sometimes it occurs to me that in order to maintain sanity I need hours to myself, sometimes daily, and those hours to write, read or sit on my bed and daydream make me a better momma. More patient, more happy to be coloring with beeswax crayons or answering 205 questions. The week after Christmas was one I had big plans for – I am gearing up to start a small homeschooling program with Paige (mostly ABCS and nature centered stuff) and I wanted to take that week to declutter, list things on freecycle, and take down the Christmas tree. And instead we got the flu. And since my husband had work, I was the one caring for kids while trying to nourish my body.  It was horrible;  I was snappy, mean, told Paige to shut up multiple time, cried, was sleep deprived from being sick at night and having a sick six month old, and all in all it was a miserable no good week. All my plans were out the window, but this week is a new week and one where we are hoping to get back on track. The germs are gone, and we are in better spirits.

Here are some photos from Christmas I meant to share, but haven’t had time to sit and upload them. Paige spent the entire day opening gifts, and wearing her Mrs Claus dress — so adorable! She really is beautiful huh? For two funny looking people we make some adorable children

I do think my kitchen is the favorite part of my house. It’s where we spend most of our time cooking, baking, hanging out, talking, arguing etc

Paige and I are arguing lately, like teenagers. She gets so frustrated with the people around her (especially the younger friends we have) and at home she can be tiresome because of the negative attitude, sighing, and obsessing. Despite that though we are trudging through, and 90% of the time she’s pretty delightful. This week we are putting together some bird feeders and making a bird watching station near the back door. A little nature during the gray, city winter? I hope so….while the culture and rush of the city can be alluring I’d much rather live in the country. Where I can walk around in front of my windows in my underpants. If I walked around in my underpants here well, lets say the entire neighborhood would see me and go blind!

I’ve decided Christmas should be longer than a day. Sure a month of jingles, pretty lights and baking should be sufficient but? Is it really?

We had a lovely Christmas. The biggest surprise came at 10am when my doorbell rang and out on the porch stood my Aunt, Uncle and cousins who had driven from Florida to surprise us! The day was so cozy and filled with delicious things to eat, and of course presents. Paige and Wyatt are quite spoiled and we have plenty of new things to play with during the cold months. Wooden castles, felted toadstools and a plethora of beeswax crayons, glitter glue, and the likes. It was a good day and I’m looking forward to spending the week doing very little but resting. Winter is a time to reflect and stay indoors and it’s one of my favorite seasons. The sheer coziness of it never gets old – I love staying home to make paper snowflakes and read in jammies. Because in winter you can do that – jammies all day!

Right now though we are sick. Well I am – my nose is like a faucet and at night I’m hit with fever/chills.

Because of the 20 inches of snow we got, Paige got snowed in with Grandma and so Wyatt and I had a low key day.

I love my babes so much

From our house to yours, Merry Christmas!

Here’s to the coziness of Christmas, the arrival of Santa and his reindeer who come bearing pretty things, the dress up station I have to make at night while the babes sleep, the arrival of my mom and brother! For a sleepover! Butter cookies and gingerbread. I’ll hopefully be blogging a little bit more regularly once the craziness of the season passes. But when it does pass, well, what a bummer.

Winter is so cozy (and yes very well aware winter isn’t officially until next weekish, but 30 degrees & windy = winter to me)…we wake up and I brew some coffee/turn on the holiday music and the lights on the tree to start our day.  Paige is in a funk right now, a little too obsessed with Christmas movies and being sort of whiney and rude  like any three year old gets like, so it can be frustrating. Having our home cozy, warm and ready for all sorts of glittery fun crafts helps, and I’m willing to give her a little slack because I love Christmas movies too. I’ve recorded all my favorites from when I was little, and I do love seeing her watch them.  I think lack of sleep plays a huge part in how she acts – we are all recovering from colds, and she’s still beat from nights of pot luck dinners and silliness. Once the holiday’s are over I want to establish that slow paced winter rhythm where we bake lots of stuff, read and stay home.  There’s going to be some new books from Santa under the tree that I can’t wait to read out loud to my bean.

A lot of posts I’m reading all over the Internet are about the consumerism involved in Christmas. It can be gross I’ll agree, especially when you go to the mall and see people fighting over some plastic piece of junk that will undoubtedly get used once or twice before it sits collecting dust. That kind of holiday greed is pretty saddening, and so is the “I feel like I have to get this person something so I’ll just get anything” giving. There’s a huge difference between those scenarios, and thoughtful, mindful giving.  I love presents and I’ve really enjoyed picking out lovely books about fairies and gnomes, wooden castles and dolls and crafts for the kiddos this year. I’ve scoured craft markets for trinkets for friends that they may not treat themselves too and I’m so excited to give to everyone over wine and snacks. There are some people that I simply do not enjoy buying for. People that I struggle to buy for because a gift given with not thought behind it is not really a gift at all. So yes, there’s a difference between spending thousands on junk and buying a used book on gardening that someone will adore. Or making a glitter pine cone with Paige, or a salt dough ornament that will hang on someones tree for years to come. Mindful giving this holiday and those to follow.

Instead of blogging we have been: baking dozens of chocolate chip &  sugar cookies for our cookie swap (which is today!), picking out a 10 foot Christmas tree and decorating it with lights bulbs and felted winter folk, having friends over for games and mulled wine, snowflake stamping, making felted jingle bells (cats are fond of these), making glitter pine cones (doing more today!) and glitter trees, and singing Jingle Bells at the top of our lungs.  This is my favorite time of year and let me tell you, it’s hard work getting people to love and adore Christmas as much as you do. My parents are the reason for my enthusiasm because they made the holidays magical. Parties, fires lit, surprises around every corner — when I was little they would leave tuffs of white wool around as Santa’s “beard” and once made foot prints of reindeer in the snow.

I think anyone can admit that the treasures part of Christmas can be overwhelming. The need to just buy so much stuff can make us forget that the holiday’s are really about family, friends, and having a warm and inviting home for both to visit in. I am not by any means though, forgoing presents. I think that instead of filling up our carts with a hundred junky things, we can all try to make gifts thoughtful, and homemade (by you or someone else).  That said, I tend to go a little crazy at Christmas.  This year I find that a lot of my gifts to family are practical: my Dad needs a new  space heater and my brother wants a blender. Those don’t scream fun fun fun, but I’m trying to mash it up with things they would enjoy, but can’t afford.  My mom is getting a special lovely momma-daughter day at a local, Eco spa and we are going to get hot stone massages (!!!!) and aromatherapy. My Dad is going to get some fishing treasures. Everyone gets books, and I take my time to find something they may love. Books are such a great gift.

When folks ask me what Paige wants, I normally answer “crafts..” no one can have too many felted pens and markets, stickers, or glue sticks. At least not us..and this is my “safe” answer. This year for Christmas I tried to get Paige things that I knew she would play with and it was a blast because she’s living in her own little dream land of princesses and fairies, wizards and warlocks. Pretend play happens throughout the day, and I totally love it.

The present I am most excited for, is the dress up station I am creating.  I am painting a small little wooden hanger for pirate costumes, angel wings, and fairy tututs and putting up a mirror too. She already has some costume things, so I’ll put those in a basket, and friends and family have added to her collection too.  We also got her a wooden castle to go with wooden knights and that’s exciting too. Poor little Wyatt has no idea that it’s Christmas so all he’s getting is a sheep’s wool flat bear to cuddle.

We haven’t gone into the city to see anything Christmas-y, but we are visiting Santa this weekend followed by a nice lunch out with Gramie, Uncle Marc, and Pop Pop (my Mom, Dad and brother) which will be nice. I think we may do an afternoon at Moomah making a holiday craft too, because Paige has asked a dozen times to go and see the funky forest and “make something..” and they have fun seasonal things. We may go caroling too! Which is a first, and I’ve taught Paige two Christmas songs and through listening each day she’s learning a few more. And Christmas movies, ahh we are just so busy and it’s wonderful!

The misery combination of a cold & tooth poking through is too much for this momma.  With one child gone, I was looking forward to an evening  of books and my husband but instead we got a wailing Wyatt. And Wyatt does. not. wail. He’s always happy, so to see him in pain with snot and tears running down his face broke my heart.  Phil and I took turns rocking him and finally, 2 hrs past bedtime he slept for a little while. He woke up several hundred times during the night, but it wasn’t too bad. Horray for bed sharing because I only had to reach over to comfort him at 1am, 1:30am, 2am and so on. This morning Wyatt was up at 5 so we laid in bed and watched an old zombie movie until the sun came up.

Infancy is not my favorite stage. While I think all babes have their cute moments, most of the time they are too demanding for me. I can spend hours reading, crafting, and snuggling Paige but I loose patience with a screaming babe who can not be cajoled with homeopathic teething drops, frozen teethers,  and a rocking chair.  Yes they are helpless, yes baby-hood moves fast…but not at 5am. At 5am that shit feels like forever.  Since this is my last baby, and because perhaps he’s so zen most of the time I’m trying to enjoy it. All of it, even the teething part.

With Thanksgiving happening tomorrow, and my lack of gratitude posts (or any) I need to catch up

I’m grateful for good, strong coffee…the smell of my dogs fur…a house full of books…mild fall days…Wyat’s gummy smiles…Paige’s imagination…the kisses my Dad plants on my forehead…my brothers sobriety…sweet potatoes…family dinners that are spent dying of laughter…my husband…my garden right outside New York City (even if it failed this summer thanks to me being hugely pregnant)…the softest sweatpants on a chilly night…good pot…

How do you guys teach your kids gratitude? What are your Thanksgiving traditions — I really would like to get answers from those with young kids! Poppette is 3 and though we spent the morning talking about Pilgrims, Native Americans and “being thankful” She was thankful for candy first and foremost so we obviously have some work to do.

I’ve been slacking on my thankfuls, but this weekend was jam packed so that’s my excuse

We celebrated a friends, sons birthday on Saturday and it was a beautiful day to be outside eating fall soups and watching the kids play in the sand box.  Sunday was my moms birthday and the morning was spent putting together a photo album for her (the old fashioned kind! Gasp! With real pictures!) while the afternoon was spent outside in the park playing in leaves until dinner time.  The weather has been mild,  so we’ve been taking advantage to the fullest (or as much as my asthma allows)

So this weekend I was thankful for;

Sunshine, the final days of warm weather, piles of leaves, 3 year old smiles, vanilla french toast, family

..and one thing I wanted to talk about I think, is family. My family consists of my father, my mother, and my brother. My father lives in an apartment with crooked floors and faulty heating, and my mom lives in a 3 bedroom condo with my brother who’s currently getting his life back on track. We are a family of readers, mood swings, addictions,  hysterical laughter, immeasurable sadness, and love. Because even when I was angsty and “running away” to drink warm beer and smoke joints until I was seeing double because my mom was ticking me off, my Dad was drinking, and I was a hormonal 16 year old well..I still loved them.  And when my parents took a break, split up, separated, I knew that it was for the best because my mom deserves something better than a drunk even if he’s a sometimes drunk and a mostly sensitive, caring, loving, smarty pants man.

He’s been sober for a bit. And so together we, they, have had family dinners that almost end in hysterical laughter partly because we are just hilarious and partly because I’m so fucking giddy to see them together. Almost happy, kind of remembering that 20-something years together means something maybe more powerful than Scotch, but probably not.

One question that’s asked often is the notion that it’s better to live apart happily than stay together for the kiddos true. And when I see my parents together and I feel that little-kid happiness I wonder what life would be like if they stayed together and went to counseling, or if they found my Dad a solution to his depression and drinking, or if we all moved to an island somewhere that had no booze and a constant supply of sunshine…would they have sustained a marriage? And I think about my own marriage – about how sometimes it seems easier to say “I can do this alone” this raising kids/happiness thing without arguing or the tiny resentments that can build up when you’re in it forever. And I think to the giddy feeling I get, and I want my kids to feel that all the time. I want them to see us kiss, and gaze into each others eyes just as much as I want them to see us fighting because no one is perfect. I don’t want them to ever think that we won’t be together, I don’t ever want to loose the magic of having Paige coo we are a family when we all lay in bed together.

….

And on a final note, after some deep thinking Paige has decided she’d like a “big box of candy” for Christmas

“mommy, I’m so glad you’re here with me..aren’t the fall trees beeeeuutiful?”

I am thankful for that statement

I’m a young mom

In an age where woman are waiting until their 30’s [and up] to have kiddos, it was kind of gasp worthy that I had my first when I was 23. Because maybe most 23 year olds want to be drinking beers and staying up all night (although I was staying up all night…pumping breast milk) and BREEDING is the last thing on their minds. Except I was in love, and when you’re in love you just say fuck it lets make a hundred babies.

So at 23 I became a momma. And at 26 I became momma to two.

I’m thankful for this. I’m thankful for the energy I have to tackle my kids, and for the two easy births I had and for the fact that my boobs don’t touch my knees yet