So a big discussion in our house these days is penis.

Daddy’s got one, and so does the guy who walked out of the diner bathroom. I know this, because Paige screamed “THAT MAN HAS A PENIS” as he was walking by. Rinse and repeat two more times [same diner, should we stop going] and you have what could be a kind of hilariously mortifying serious of events. I told her that we simply don’t talk about penises in public [if we can help it] and so on our bi-weekly jaunt to Trader Joe’s, Paige used her most melancholy voice to tell a hipster in the produce isle that “she wasn’t supposed to talk about penises…”

We don’t really shy away from body parts here. We’ve taken showers together and Pauge knows the difference between a vagina and a penis. Bailey has a penis, Daddy has one and Mommy has “HUGEEEE BOOBS” and a vagina with “hair on it!”

My parents didn’t talk about sex. Now I can be as raunchy as I want and it will only produce giggles from any member of my family, but when it was really time to explain what masturbation was? Well, they froze.  I don’t even think my mother talked to me about sex unless it was to tell me “I BETTER not be doing that…” during  a weekly walk in the woods with my 13 year old male friend. For the record, we were building forts we were not doing it. When my parents left a copy of Howard Sterns “Private Parts” on the table one night, I thought “this is it, the sex talk!” not realizing the book wasn’t a guide to the body for girls, it was well, a Howard Stern book…

I also remember my first orgasm; I was rubbing my bed and got so freaked out by the feeling I told my mom “I RUBBED AND RUBBED AND IT FELT LIKE SEX” to which she walked out horrified that I’d just declared my well..womanhood to her.

I can’t raise my kid like that – she’s going to hear every factoid about bodies, penises and vagina’s until her ears are ringing. No question will be left un-answered! No body part a mystery! Nope, no sir, not in this house.